So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize