I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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