Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
