Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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