Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
