never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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