I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
