So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
