does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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