Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
