Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
