We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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