im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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