I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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