Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
