the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
