Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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