If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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