my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
nutella sex= disaster
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
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