I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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