She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
