A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
