How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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