Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
