I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
