He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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