Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
