I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
