Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
