sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I intend to get homeless drunk
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
