this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
