Cold hands, warm shart.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize