There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
