I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
