I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
