I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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