Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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