He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
