From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
