Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
