I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
