if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i was born a porn star she said
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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