Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I look better un-naked...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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