1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize