So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
