I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
