Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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