I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
