Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
