yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
