I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
