god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
