oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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