Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
