Cold hands, warm shart.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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