from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
