Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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