So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
