True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize